I gave up on myself....

I gave up on myself.
 
For many years my heart’s desire has been to make my living with belly dance and healing work. My dream is to pay my bills by teaching and writing about the dance and teaching and doing healing. I went through some hard times in my personal life and then my health crashed and then I gave up on my belief that I could do this thing, this heart’s desire thing. I got a ‘real’ job and made plans to go back to school so that I could get a better ‘real’ job. And then, three weeks ago, I took an Angelic Reiki workshop, and my life shifted again.
 
Since then, two beautiful women appeared in my life and told me how much I inspired them and I was shown that I had a positive influence on these ladies that I rarely saw in person, an influence through my words and my example.
 
I started to feel the dream re-awaken, and I started to believe again.
 
I’m not sure what’s next for me. I told my family and friends that I was going back to school to finish my degree, and I don’t want to look like an idiot or a flake.  While it seemed like a good idea at the time to get a traditional degree so I could get a good traditional job and stop struggling financially, the thought of it doesn’t feed my soul. 
 
I’m a free spirit, and I’ve been trying to clip my own wings and it doesn’t feel good. It hurts to give up my heart’s desire, hurts to stop believing in my dream. It’s a constant inner-ache that I’ve tried to tamp down and ignore.
 
So, I’m looking at that and I have this continuous internal struggle going on trying to decide what to do, trying to figure out what’s best for me and how to live my dream and eat at the same time.
 
Writing this isn’t easy. It feels like I’m exposing something deep and personal, and important and empowering. This is real, and as a writer, it’s important to me to be real, to step out of the fear, to stop writing what I think people want to hear and just write what is my genuine, authentic, truth.  It’s always been easy to write about the dance, to be real when it comes to my passion, not so easy to write about my guts.
 
I’m doing some soul-searching and making a commitment to myself to start living my dream, to start believing again in myself and my abilities. I have another belly dance book bubbling up inside of me and I’m studying business books and I’m working on a plan.
 
If any of you out there have something deep inside of you that wants to come out, something that you want to share with the world but maybe didn’t believe was good enough or important enough, or perhaps a dream or heart’s desire of another sort that you need supported, please take a stand with me. I’ll believe in you, you can believe in me and together we will believe in ourselves.
 
I would love to hear from you either publicly as a response to this blog or privately in an email or Facebook message. Let’s support each other as we begin to build a strong foundation for our dreams and desires to manifest.
 
Believing in myself,

Mezdulene

Divinely Feminine Belly Dancer
Author and Publisher
Reiki Master